chalcedony_cat: fan from the v&a (Default)
Oh, look, there's a journal here, how astonishing.

Life continues upon its busy way; Joy is 5 1/2, currently at day camp, and the baby is now a 2 1/2 year old who attends a Montessori 3 days a week -- but today he is delightedly playing with his father while I write. Which, of course, is how I end up posting here, as any attempt at writing must have its concomitant journalling window.

Both children are marvelous, and play together and fight together and have their own very distinct and different personalities. Joy is still cautious and very anxious, but loves school and is finding her own courage with new things such as this camp. She is imaginative, creative, determined, she loves art and stories and animals and learning new things, and right now she wishes to be a marine biologist so that she can study coral reefs and also befriend an octopus and find out if they really do like taking photographs. Her favourite story is Frozen, she identifies enormously with Elsa (unsurprisingly, I think; that feeling that one must be a good girl or perhaps the world will end seems endemic to female childhood, no matter how we try to parent against it) and has convinced her younger brother to play Anna. She has a rich inner world populated with characters from books, videos, and manga, and will sometimes play pretend by herself for an hour or more. This autumn she goes to a science-focused school, and I am crossing my fingers it feeds her mind and spirit the way I would like.

My son is full of language, focused mostly on vehicles (cars, planes, trains, buses) but also upon other parts of the world around him; he is fascinated by the moon, by animals, by my purse. He has begun to colour with the crayons instead of eating them, and he loves to help with the household tasks, putting laundry into the washer, putting away silverware, turning on the oven light when I am baking. When angry he lashes out, hitting and kicking and screaming, finding things he knows he is not supposed to touch and throwing them across the room -- very different from Joy at this age, her temper did not really start to express itself until she was much older. But he calms down quickly, often, and afterwards needs the cuddling and breath and gentle time. He has just transitioned from the toddler room at the Montessori into the pre-school room, and is adjusting well and quickly to the challenge of more structure, larger space, and many more children. He is less cautious than Joy, and rarely anxious, very outgoing and playful. He loves to clown, to laugh and to make other people laugh; he will fall down with staged drama, pulling a toy dump truck on top of his stomach, and then shout, "Oh no!" and wait to see who looks and will laugh about it with him. He also begins to imagine; lately he and Joy have been playing 'quick, hide, santa is coming!' which involves a lot of pretend play, and he can follow her through the steps of it and add his own refinements. They also pretend to camp, and discuss the possibility of bears and whether or not they must hide from them.

I, myself, am a little worn right now, with parenting both of them and my part in the household tasks and trying to carve out moments to write and read and think and be. As the children grow older, more and more parts of my past return to trouble me, and it takes a lot of space and thought to let these things move through so that they do not stay and colour all my days and nights. And I aspire to so many things which I cannot manage yet, to do yoga regularly to help energy move through my body, to garden and bake more, to learn languages, to play the piano, to see more ballet and opera and understand them when I do. I want so much it troubles me, and it is so easy to simply turn off all desire and move through the days getting done everything that needs to be done, without wanting more than to get to the end of the day and then through the next and the next. But it is not living, that, and so I continue to struggle to let myself want -- and right now I do want, and I am here, writing about.

Back to the fiction, now.


chalcedony_cat: fan from the v&a (Default)

June 2015

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